Just got a look at a draft of Mayor Cunningham’s “State of the County” speech, to be presented at the January commission meeting. Actually, he plans to change the name of it to the “State of the Counties” speech, since he has already issued an emergency decree appointing himself Mayor of Sevier county, to allow him to deal directly with “the problem of all those Russian children”.

In the draft of his speech, Cunningham speaks of an “axis of evil” that threatens the welfare of the citizens of the county. He identifies the culprits as: “Russian children and the Sister Cities program; The Daily Times; women seeking protection orders in Judge Young’s court; and, the Public Building Authority”.

In his draft, Mayor Cunningham says he will decree several actions to deal with this unprecedented emergency.

First, he and the Sheriff will add three more pods to the county jail, to house the additional prisoners he expects as a result of the violation of his decrees. As part of this action he will rename Maryville to Brushy Mountain - East.

He says he has already directed the Public Building Authority to begin work on the jail addition. The PBA reminded him that he has stopped paying them. Cunningham says he will deal with this problem by directing Sheriff Berrong to immediately arrest all people residing in the county who were not born here. This group will be pressed into service as slave laborers. When questioned about this decision, Cunningham said he checked with the Sheriff and Peggy Lambert, and it is the firm belief of the political machine that: “these people should never have had any rights here anyway”. He also pointed out that Judge Young reviewed his decree and fully supports his position.

Next, Cunningham says he will seize the Denso plant (“After all they did start WWII and are not that different from the Russians I fought in Vietnam,” said the Mayor). He will immediately assign all women seeking protection orders, and visiting Russian children, to building Abrams tanks at the plant. “Since we will never allow them to leave the plant, they will be fully protected”, said the Mayor. The tanks will be used to protect the Sheriff’s new $350,000 Mobile Command Center, which Cunningham and the Sheriff identified as the key to their defense strategy.

The Sheriff’s fleet of cars will be deployed bumper to bumper around the entire border of the county to form the Great Wall of Blount to keep out foreigners (The Sheriff confirmed that he has plenty of cars for this). The Mayor will immediately raise taxes to provide a subsidy to any large developers whose business may be disrupted by his actions.

The Mayor also has directed that the bodies of all deceased former reporters and editors of The Daily Times be exhumed, so that he can immediately return the paper to “The Daily Times that I grew up with”.

When reminded that this is a season when we all seek peace on earth and goodwill to all our fellow human beings, Cunning ham replied: “Bahhh, Humbuuug” and threatened to take the female reporter to his woodshed.